How to Handle Conflict

How to Handle Conflict

Created by Bing

This article will demonstrate that conflict can be managed or dealt with successfully by practising behaviours which can influence the responses of others and modify your reaction to a specific situation.

What is Conflict?

Conflict is a process which begins when we perceive something or someone has negatively affected or is about to affect, something we care about.

Wavelengths

In the 1960s, Eric Berne developed a theory that he called Transactional Analysis. He said that people seem to operate at three levels or wavelengths:

Authoritative
Thinking
Feelings

Authoritative

In some situations, people tend to work at an authoritative level. They express untested opinions, which are often based on assumptions.

Sometimes, the authority may be based on good data, but in stressful situations, it can sound like: “I may not always be right, but I am never wrong.”

Thinking

People tend to believe that they are in this 'logical state' most of the time although people are seldom logical in stressed situations.

When people are on the thinking wavelength, they deal with the 'here and now'. They look for the real facts of the situation. They test understanding and realities. They process information and balance data. They reason and arrive at reasonable conclusions.

Feelings

‘Feelings’ is a strong wavelength that is likely to be operational in stressful situations.

Feelings tend to overlap thinking in the face of the threat that difficult relationships may bring. Therefore, a probable characteristic of conflict is the high emotion involved when people are operating in the feelings wavelength.

Like a radio, communication becomes difficult if we are not tuned in to a particular wavelength. Berne also called these wavelengths 'Ego States' - possibly because of their approximate correspondence to Freud's Superego, Ego and Id. You could also think of these wavelengths as computer programs which store different types of behaviour. A simple shorthand for wavelengths is to name them as follows:

Parent (P) (authoritative wavelength)
Adult (A) (thinking wavelength)
Child (C) (feelings wavelength)

The shorthand of Parent/Adult/Child can add some new pictures of the feelings and behaviours we are talking about. It can help us identify where people are putting their energy.

If people can identify where their energy is coming from, they will be able to use the correct wavelength and, thus, be more effective.

All of us have a 'Parent', an 'Adult' and a 'Child' in us, so it is interesting to consider where these behaviours come from.

Parent

Surprisingly this behaviour develops between birth and the age of five. You pick this behaviour up from your parents - your values, principles, beliefs, prejudices, the rights and wrongs in your life.

There are two types of parents. The first is the bossy, authoritarian, fault-finding parent, which we call the Critical Parent. The second type is the nurturing, understanding parent, which we call the Caring Parent.

Adult

This behaviour develops from five to six upwards. We start to reason, rationalise things, and make decisions for ourselves. It is calm, logical and reasonable behaviour. Counting to ten before acting. It is looking for facts and reasons.

Child

This behaviour develops from when we are born up to about five years. It is natural, instinctive and emotional behaviour: crying, tantrums, shrieking with joy. Acting without understanding the consequences of the action is the Free Child.

The other side of the child is the Adapted Child. It occurs when you change behaviour to suit a particular situation to get your way or get what you want. This is like knowing that if you are nice to Mum, she might let you stay up late to watch television. It is saying that you'll be someone's best friend if they give you a sweet.

All of us have a dominant wavelength - a behaviour that we prefer to use. Recognising our own and other people's preferred behaviours can help to reduce conflict and misunderstandings.

Using Parent, Adult, Child

Let's see how this knowledge of wavelengths can help us in our interactions with other people. The Parent/Adult/Child model shows that when two people are communicating, several different types of transaction can take place:

Parallel Transactions

Manager: "Would you please complete this defect report for me."
Staff member: "OK, when do you need it by?"

This is a parallel transaction - both sides are quite happy. It is harmonious. It may not always happen that way. You may not get the answer you expected, resulting in conflict.

Crossed Transactions

Manager: "Would you please complete this defect report for me."
Staff member: "No! It wasn't my fault. I'm always doing them."

This is a crossed transaction - the response was not as expected, therefore conflict could result. To achieve a successful outcome, the ideal response would be to get the person back into their Adult programme.

Recognising the wavelengths

One way of telling which wavelength people are working at is to listen to the words, listen to the tone and observe the general attitude of the person. The following table summarises which words, tones and attitudes are associated with which wavelengths. Words are triggers. When you use words, be sure that you know what reaction you are looking for and what reaction you might get.